There are always moments in your life when you begin to question your dreams. At times, it comes from people who are closest to you, steering you clear from what you have always believed in. Sometimes, whatever you're working on, just isn't giving you the results you want.
Today, M came home after talking to a family friend about my GAP years and my dream to go overseas to study music in America; how even if all else failed, I would go back to Medicine and there were plenty of places which accepted mature students. The family friend tells her this case where a girl did the exact same thing as me, tried music for a while, stopped and now is finding it excruciatingly hard to get into Medicine. They're asking her to sit the HSC again. I know, right? WTFRICK? :O
It's not the story which bothered me. I knew it's a pretty ridiculous story and I'm sure with my ATAR, as long as I don't wait too long, I can get into the course I want to. It's the fact that my mum said that "All those years, just wasted. You better have a good think about what you're doing".
See, the thing is, I never really have a good think about what I'm doing. Yes, I plan it. Yes, I think about it and ask for people's advice. But I've always...just gone with the flow. My teacher suggested that, since I like music and have some talent for it, that I should consider it and see if it gets me anywhere. So far, it has! I've always felt like He's up there guiding my path, holding my hand and I have complete faith that it's what He's doing now. I've always just believed that with the right amount of hard work, some God-given luck and my charming smile, that I would be able to achieve what it is I want.
When I thought about the possibility that Colburn might not accept me, that I may just end up teaching little kids piano at home, or doing some Commerce degree and finding it hard to find a job, or having not enough money to even get a girl to marry me and start a family, I started to get real scared. I wondered if what I was doing was going to be worth it. In a way, I'm really following this path drawn up by my Him and my piano teacher.
I know it's dangerous to have doubts. But it's been my dream! I dream of being a conductor one day, doing a piano recital once in a while, playing some Chamber Music and teaching some students at Festivals and a University somewhere. It'll be hectic but I'd be living what I love. I just don't know what I would do if it all suddenly began collapsing on me. It's scary to think there's a chance this could happen. But then, I guess, that's what faith and hope's for. I gotta stay strong. I gotta hang in there and just do what I gotta do. The rest will sort itself out. I pray.
My other concern is for the Competition I have to audition for real soon. I got called two nights ago that there is to be no more changes in the repertoire. That was like a massive WOAH WH-WHAT?! I had really wanted to change my repertoire especially because there are 3 out of the 7 pieces listed that aren't prepared. I was planning on changing two of them and leave the 1 to work my ass on. That '1' is the Liszt Dante Sonata. It's a BEAST of a piece. 17 minutes of music from heaven and hell, based on the Divine Comedy by Dante Alighieri. Despite my high hopes for this piece, my teacher, though impressed with how quickly I'm learning it, said "Even if you were Ashkenazy, you wouldn't be able to learn it all and prepare it by the 10th". I knew she was right. But where's the hope?!
I'm the type of person who has hope in everything. Federer could be losing straight sets but I'd still have hope that he'd pull through. Our volleyball match could be doomed even before we even started and I'd still believe we would win. It could be raining for the whole week, but on the night before our beach outing, I'd still believe that the sun would come out. Does that make me a sucker for miracles? Well, perhaps. I believe in miracles. I believe that things do come around. I can't help it.
She's suggested that I pull out at the last minute. I'd still prepare like a crazy chicken but I'd pull out. I'm a bit reluctant to do so. So I'll see how it goes. I want to play. I want to perform. But I'll probably need a miracle.
Whew, I feel a lot better now. So many thoughts racing through my head. I was going to start expanding on some of the Luxembourg stuff, but I think I'll do that next time. I need my beauty sleep!
:)
